WHERE THE SCARY THINGS ARE (2022)

WHERE THE SCARY THINGS ARE (2022)

Tagline: The Monsters Aren't Under Your Bed.

(Horror, Urban Legend, Crockamoley) [R]

In this one, several kids discover their own “real” urban legend and use it to get a grade for a “Create Your Own Urban Legend” challenge in class. At first, the videos of their urban legend “Crockamoley” get tons of likes online, but some are still saying the videos are fake. The project quickly spirals out of control when it becomes apparent they are all the monsters, as they begin taking revenge on classmates and others. However, when it comes to monsters, Ayla, the group's only female is the worst of them all. 

First off, the acting in this movie is beyond atrocious and the only thing worst is the writing and direction. About the only thing effective in this movie is at least they served up a pretty credible and creepy creature. “Crockamoley” is actually one of the more terrifying creatures I’ve seen especially in a b-movie.

From one incoherent poorly pieced-together diatribe to another, this movie struggles to ever gain its footing and even the characters we are supposed to like, we kind of end up seeing do crappy things also. It’s kind of weird when a film forces you into a corner where you are rooting for the teacher and a girl in the class that is afraid of everything. Here is a little project you can do on your own. 

1. Go to any streaming service.
2. Close your eyes and randomly scroll through any category of movies.
3. Stop.
4. Play that movie. 

In those 4 simple steps. You are about 99.99% likely to stop on a better movie than this damn thing. It really sucks and it’s quite frankly sad for everyone involved.  Peter Cote who plays “Snack” might be this thing’s only saving grace and by that point, he’s buried by so much terrible execution that even the setting being an abandoned “horror” themed attraction can’t fix this. To add insult to injury this movie actually had a decent horror premise. It had a chance to be decent. I also feel bad for Selina Flanscha who plays Ayla, this wasn’t the role that was going to help you out. I haven’t seen her two other films, but for the love of all that is Holy, get away from CLASS OF 85 LLC. and find a likable less “jail bait” character to play. As of 2022, finding Selina's age online is like trying to find a real needle in a stack of fake needles. It seems weirdly and purposely hidden. 

Some of the fluffier reviews are calling this a drawback to the classics, and some are even loosely comparing it to SUPER 8, but that is basically an insult. Don’t get me wrong, I like whacky b-movie horror flicks and I’ve stuck up for my share of low-budget films that others would say were terrible, but this movie sucks. I mean, it sucks hard. Not even the underlying messages of “they did it for the likes” or “ooh, these poor kids and the pressure of today’s society” or any of that can gloss over the mountain of drab uninspiring issues with this script. 

Again, if you want to see a really creepy-looking monster, they nailed that here, but don’t expect a decent movie or anyone worthwhile on screen. If anything, this movie actually makes you want to homeschool your kids or put them in a Christian private school. On second thought, if you have kids, society probably makes you already want to do that just in general. 

Overall this is a 1 out 7 and it’s right up there with a few other newer horror flicks for the Halloween season that I would consider so bottom of the barrel, that I am confident in the next 5 days, with practically nothing but my smartphone, that I could make a better movie than this. Not that’s a challenge they should be giving high school kids. I wanted to like this so bad.
 

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