DRACULA 3000 (2004)
Tagline : In space, the
sun never rises.
Wow this freakin movie.
The premise is that we are now in the year 3000 and a small crew of 6 is sent
on a mission to find the starship Demeter that has been abandoned. After
listening to a cheesy distress tape on the ship from a Captain Varna (who
appears as if he has been asked to attend a bridal shower he didn’t want to go
to and is still upset about it) they decide that rather than sending for help
they will just try and take the old ship themselves. Dracula happens to be on
the ship and is awakened by Coolio after his hand is cut while looking for
drugs. Yeah – not even kidding. Almost everything about this movie is epically
terrible except for Casper Van Dien (ever nutty B-movie you have ever watched
just about) and Grant Swanby (INVICTUS, BLOOD DIAMOND) who both appear to
actually be trying. You know who isn’t trying…. anyone else.
The effects team
took the day off and even manage to make it look like they bought what is supposed
to be the skeleton of a dead man from Fry’s Food Store, in the Halloween
section. I would mention my thoughts on some of the other cinematic elements,
but it’s a waste of your time. This is one of those movies that doesn’t even
start out mediocre. It goes straight from “I can tell this is going to suck”, to just sucking more than you can possibly
imagine. This flick does fall on a few “Good Bad Movie” lists, but it’s not
even worthy of that. Do NOT put this in your horror movie marathon line up. Don’t
even think about it. I give this a 1 out of 7 just because I don’t completely
hate Van Dien.
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