LAND SHARK (2017)

LAND SHARK (2017)

Tagline: Just when you thought it was safe on dry land, you'll wish you were back in the water. 

(Action, Comedy, Hand Puppet Sharks Will Jack You Up) [PG-13]

Note: This is not the superior 2022 LAND SHARK film from Zhonglele Pictures. This movie was never given an MPA rating, but it would have landed an [R]. On streaming services, it’s rated TV-MA. 

Whoa, you look like something the cat dragged in. Not feeling well?

In this one, Lucinda Regis, Director of Development at MALCO Oceanic Research, discovers weird things are going on at the lab with the shark research they are conducting, and suddenly workers are showing up dead. Lucinda is furious but the company holds secrets about her past that she doesn’t want getting to the public. She is then told she must track down the land shark. Can Lucinda and Dr. Foster stop the madness before they become the latest victims? 

Whenever the Polonia Brothers show up, you know you are getting total crap. So if you hear anyone say any of these movies are good, they are clearly saying that when comparing their films to either one of the studio's other 60+ films or some other really bad studio. Basically in the world of B-movies, some stand out as so bad they are good and others are just actually bad. This one is unfortunately too long even at 80 minutes. I think this is another one where they sketched out the most basic outline, but never really had a script meant for anything over 30 minutes long. 

Of course, because this is a shark flick coming from the Polonia Brothers, this land shark has no problem being out of the water for super long periods of time. It can jump onto rooftops and also has a growl that sounds like slowed-down bass-boosted audio of someone clearing their throat. I am not sure what the budget was for this movie, but it does look like they spent more than the usual $25.00. 

The effects in these movies are “high school play” bad, but out of the giant pile of bad effects they come up with for these, they did at least use more practical effects in this than usual. The attacks are totally terrible, but once you get used to the idea that this shark thing is a foam hand puppet or something like that it tolerable. We do get a few CGI shots and a few aquarium shots, but it’s mostly this puppet and a foam-looking shark model that is maybe 6 or 7 feet in size. 

Acting-wise, no one is running to Peter Baldo as their lead. He is pretty rough in this as Dr. Foster, but he does at least avoid overacting. This ended up being Peter’s last film. Kathryn Sue Young (SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND) takes on the role of Dr. Lorca. She has more power in MALCO than both Lucinda and Dr. Foster. If there is anything I can say about Kathryn Sue Young, it’s that at least she’s consistently bad. If you need someone to play a mean boss and you don’t have a giant budget, just call her. She reminds me a lot of Stephanie Mihm (ATTACK OF THE MOON ZOMBIES), but Stephanie is a better actress. We also have a Sarah French sighting. She plays Lucinda and it’s pretty clear she isn’t a great actress but she isn’t bad either. She is definitely better than anyone else on this set. I am not the only one that thinks she’s a good B-movie actress. She’s done 87 movies since 2007 and has 6 projects in the works. As far as I can tell, this is her only shark flick. 

There are a couple of unnecessary sequences in here, and they have this beeping tracking device that makes me want to pull my beard out in several scenes…but LAND SHARK is actually one of the better Polonia Brothers shark films. Overall I have to give this one a 4 out of 7. Just the sizable helping of cheese and not having a bunch of characters I couldn’t stand made this a pretty fun effort. 

GRAPHICS ARE THE PROPERTY OF POLONIA BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT AND ARE USED FOR REVIEW PURPOSES ONLY.