THE VELOCIPASTOR (2018)
For The Velcipastor, even frequent B movie watchers will be wholly and thoroughly unprepared. Do you want to know the percentage chance of deep uncontrollable belly laughs? It’s high. It’s very high. This movie is chocked full of absurdly ridiculous moments that will have you laughing almost immediately. The movie opens with the main actor giving a sermon from the pulpit, then walking outside with a cheesy smile on his face and waving cheerily to, “his parents” who are standing by a car across the street. As he starts towards them, you hear an explosion and then you’re just shown footage of an empty street where the parents and car were and it says in text, “VFX Effects - Car on Fire”. A few scenes later, we watch the lead actor driving a car for a scene, with no visible air travel, the next scene opens with him standing in a forest, and big yellow letters flash across the screen that say, “CHINA”, letting you know he has just driven to China from the U.S. This is the level of in-your-face intentional ridiculousness you can expect from this hilariously terrible/awesome movie.
There is an air of the sacrilegious but it’s much lighter than you’d expect from a movie like this, given that this movie is supposed to be about a Christian “pastor”, but the church, terminology, and his clothes are more obviously Catholic, which succeeds in avoiding outright parodying any particular Christian-esque religion/faith. He is struggling with his faith, and his mentor says, “Have some more wine” - but it’s not poured from a sacramental bottle, oh no, it’s just a regular wine bottle. Little things like this achieve a lighter “poking fun” at religion rather than there being anything heavily anti-religion.
In the earlier scenes, the shots of the dinosaur are pretty “B movie” effects-wise - but definitely not even the worst dinosaur we’ve seen in a B movie, and there are other comical moments intentionally using bad practical effects like a guy getting mauled in the park followed by a female make-up-clad mannequin head rolling away, and that supposing to be that guy’s head. Other absurdities that add to the comedy in this one are the surprisingly good yet, at times, intensely over-the-top acting of the lead actor and the film’s leading lady, and things like the strange choice for the lead actor to put on one of the leading lady’s sweater dresses and go examine the scene from the night before with no pants on, in the woods at one point.
This film is full of just outright ridiculous comedy and well-used practical effects and other silly gimmicks to carry the comedy throughout the entire film, some 90’s style movie montage stuff, and just the right amount of silliness to let you know these guys had an absolute blast making this thing. The final scene is out of control, and we get the full view of the dinosaur - I won’t spoil that for you, but suffice it to say that it’s amazing. I give “The Velocipastor” an emphatic 7 out of 7. Even if you’re doing life right, this movie will probably still change your life. Review by Jenn Chadek
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