ASSAULT GIRLS (2009)
Believe it or not I have
actually seen this movie twice and both times kept hoping it was going
somewhere (obviously the first viewing back in 2009 did not stick with me or I
would have avoided the 2nd viewing all together). So here is the
suggestion. Go out into the desert with a lot of water and a film crew. Film
some chick dancing in a cocktail outfit only a bit more gothic. Then…then, put
some digital space sand whales swimming in the sky and you have your movie.
They don’t even have to be that great looking.
In this one there has
been a global thermonuclear war three women wage war in a 360 video game that
is basically a desert somewhere. Sadly Rinko Kikuchi is in this one as
“Lucifer” but all she really does is dance around looking really stupid. Sorry,
I just pretty much flat out disliked this thing. Oh yeah, Rinko is the girl
that redeemed herself in PACIFIC RIM. Yes, I was shocked also.
The first thing (aside
from the fact that you and your friends with any film skills at all could have
shot this) you will notice is the narration. I believe the dude is trying to
tell us something but it’s so convoluted that it just kinda sounds like one of
Ray Lewis’s pre-game speeches. There is also a pretty decent soundtrack but you
would be better off going to GENE GENERATION for music if you like this type of
stuff. Aside from decent marketing designed to lure live action anime style
movie fans in, this movie disappointingly has next to nothing going for it. This
movie will leave you feeling you have not only wasted your time but that no one
on the screen even wanted to be there…you know..in the desert.
This one gets a 1
out of 7. SUCK FACTOR EXCEEDING SAFE LEVELS this is the “movie you never saw”.
You don’t even like thinking about this movie but will do some public service
warning people about it.
Expanded Definition : This movie has little to no qualities worth anything and likely involved someone doing a documentary or filming from a personal camera. The actors are far out of their prime and the soundtrack was made in your aunt’s back yard a few weeks ago. DISASTER MOVIE and DANCE FLICK are a few examples.
Expanded Definition : This movie has little to no qualities worth anything and likely involved someone doing a documentary or filming from a personal camera. The actors are far out of their prime and the soundtrack was made in your aunt’s back yard a few weeks ago. DISASTER MOVIE and DANCE FLICK are a few examples.
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