YOU CAN’T KILL STEPHEN KING (2012)

YOU CAN’T KILL STEPHEN KING (2012)

Tagline: It was a mistake to visit his lake.

(Horror, Comedy, My Beef with Stephen King is the Stuff of Legend) [R]

Note: This movie was not given an MPAA rating. It would have likely been given a [R] if it had been given one. 

In this one Monroe goes on a vacation with his friends. Lamont is described as the “token black friend who loves white girls”. They also call him an expert navigator, but he’s reading the wrong map at the beginning of the movie. Ronnie is described as a creepy virgin who is obsessed with Stephen King. Nicole is depicted as someone who is desperate for attention and self-centered. Hillary is the bratty sister of Monroe’s who is a know-it-all, and a black hole of fun. Then we have Lori who is the forsaken girlfriend, who dreams of motherhood. Then finally we have Monroe himself who is a shell-shocked Iraq veteran who is described as a pasty white boy who is controlled by his girlfriend. Ronnie is only there because they are going to visit the house where Stephen King lives, or at least they think they are. 

First off, one thing to know is that this movie purposely tried to be edgy and in that effort, it’s probably going to piss you off if you are looking for something nice and fluffy and pc. This is the wrong movie to watch if you want all that. I should also say that if you are someone coming to this movie to see some of the stuff promised in the ads, that basically isn’t happening here. The ads seem to also be purposely misleading. 

There is literally nothing really good at all about this movie unless you are a Stephen King purist. I read CUJO when I was younger and thought it was one of the worst books I’ve ever read (DEATH ON CALL by a different author was actually worse). Having said that, Stephen King does have some great books out there that I have read since then and it would be dishonest to say he hasn’t added entertainment value to the world in the way of horror or just interesting stories overall. On a personal level, I like to mess with him on social media, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a very imaginative individual. 

Getting back to the film, it is loaded with references to Stephen King’s writings which is why I think Stephen King purists will like it to an extent, but after that, nearly everyone you might have liked in this thing gets killed off. The mystery behind the murderer wasn’t all that impressive, but at least the “who” of it all made complete sense. 

I think where this thing falls flat is in the writing. The jokes are stupid, the dialog is lifeless and there really isn’t much that doesn’t feel completely cheap and canned going on here. As far as slashers go, it is effective in that regard, but I just couldn’t get into it. I think they are also trying to poke fun at the people that live in Maine by having them all talk in this weird uniform monotone voice, but that part wasn’t funny after the first few people in the town they visit have lines. I have actually been to Maine and no one was talking like that, even in Portland. Which by the way, if you ever go to Portland, it’s like driving through a Bob Ross painting.

Acting wise there were a few names in this.  Monroe Mann (SWIM FAN) had a rough outing in this one as Monroe. Kate Costello is decent as Lori but hasn’t been in anything else I’ve seen. This is not a great one for Kayle Blogna who played Nicole and seems to have dropped out of acting. The rest of the cast was just unimpressive, but again, that could be the fault of the script. Because the script sucked. 

I was very disappointed with this thing. It wasn’t near as fun as the previews made it look. YOU CAN’T KILL STEPHEN KING gets a 2 out of 7. 

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