COCAINE SHARK (2023)

COCAINE SHARK (2023)

Tagline: Terror Has New Teeth

(Talking, Shark Crab, Drugs Other Than Cocaine) [PG-13]

Note: This movie never got an MPAA rating. It very likely would have gotten a PG-13 rating or even an R. 

I feel bloated, like after a Thanksgiving dinner at my mom’s house.

In this one, the Katzman Research Facility has created some crazy creatures including a shark crab monster, a shark dude, and what is basically the bat creature from THE ANGRY RED PLANET. This was a side effect of trying to create a new drug called HT25 which is now being sold on the streets. The users end up getting a trip that causes them to think they are sharks, because why not. Now a narcotics detective who is an alcoholic, pill-popping, violent man is trying to focus on ridding the world of these creatures, but he’s hooked on the drug, so it isn’t going very well. 

First off, I think that this movie was actually made with a completely different plot and movie title in mind. The reason for that is that cocaine is brought up in this movie even once. The drug in the movie is HT25 and there is actually hardly any focus at all on stopping the creatures created by Katzman Research Facility. The entire “drug” plot seems like an afterthought to try and capitalize on COCAINE BEAR’s success. This isn’t the only studio trying to do this. We also got COCAINE COUGAR from SCS studios (more low-budget nonsense). THE ASYLUM also pitched in with ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR (which was actually being made before COCAINE BEAR was announced according to the producers), and then we also have METH GATORS on the way from Tiger Gate Films International. So yeah – for some reason everyone is just letting animals take drugs. What the actual crap? Just kidding, as far as I know only COCAINE BEAR is based on anything real. It should also be mentioned that the shark in the posters isn't anywhere to be found in this movie.

Now remember, Polonia movies are at the bottom of the barrel right now. They are distributed by WILD EYE RELEASING which is basically the same company as WILD EYE ENTERTAINMENT which is barely above the Polonia films. So my advice is to definitely watch the preview before you get excited about this thing because it is not what you think it’s going to be when you look at the poster. In fact, as I have mentioned before, POLONIA BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT actually does some of the coolest-looking posters there are when it comes to movies. So they are basically masters of misleading people. 

The plot for this flick is so incoherent that it’s almost impossible to enjoy this. We also don’t get a single character even worth rooting for. Literally everyone is terrible as is the acting. Titus Himmelberger who plays Nick is as stoic as ever. This isn’t a criticism, he’s basically perfect for these movies. We also get a very dry very rough performance out of Natalie Himmelberger who plays Persephone. Both she and Nick are basically just doing drugs thinking they are sharks the entire movie. No, you didn’t read that wrong. We also get a little bit of Samantha Coolidge who plays Meagan. To date, she has only done 6 films but doesn’t help or hurt the film. 

If there are a few positives here. I do like that the Polonia Brothers are using more and more outside drone-looking shots to add at least an ounce of scale to their movies. This one also has a few effects that look like they were from a graphics suite, but hey, it’s something. None of it makes this a good film though. I am looking forward to the day when we get a banger out of this studio, but so far no luck. I know, I am probably “fishing” for something that isn’t going to happen. 

COCAINE SHARK gets a 2 out of 7. On a good note, I am glad we have smaller studios like this, it very likely means that even if Hollywood falls into the ocean we will still be getting a dose of total nonsense. 

GRAPHICS ARE THE PROPERTY OF POLONIA BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT AND ARE USED FOR REVIEW PURPOSES ONLY.